Identification with our outer conditions and material possessions – even the people we feel we “own” – is not who we are. Even our physical body is not who we are, so adorning it with clothes we feel are “us”, taking it to the gym, feeding it well, and stressing about its aging process to the point of undergoing expensive cosmetic procedures will not bring us in touch with our authentic Self. We are not our personal history, our resume, our degrees, our credit score, our physical measurements or our bank accounts. We are not our successes, or our failures. Even the aspiration of attaining enlightenment is not what we may think it is; as long as there is the thought, “I want to become enlightened,” we won’t, as an “I” (perception our oneself as a separate ego) can’t become enlightened.

In his book My Secret is Silence, Zen Buddhist teacher Adyashanti writes, “A spiritual question is like an alarm clock thrown into the dream. ‘Who am I?’ calls into question everything the dreamer believes in, namely him or herself. It disrupts the dream. That’s its purpose.” And that is what is scary for most people, and why “feel-good ego-sustaining” platitudes are what make for a New York Times self-help bestseller, as they keep us from looking too deeply into the pool and seeing our true reflection, warts and all. It is too frightening for many people to know – and be who they really are, as it means if you really want to know, the ground underneath you falls away, again, and again, and again. In this plane of existence, at this point in relative time, most people prefer having something to hold onto; those who don’t quickly find they are in a sparsely populated minority. It is not necessarily comfortable to be who you are, but once you’ve begun to taste it, or catch a whiff of it on the breeze, there simply is nothing else like it, as it is the path to true freedom. You become no longer bound by what most people are driven by, and approval from others, once held as a component of self-definition, becomes utterly unimportant. You know that the music you listen to, the clothes you wear, the car you drive doesn’t matter whatsoever. You know that being a “spiritual person” has absolutely nothing to do with appearances, or being able to parrot back the buzz-phrases from the latest hot book, and that being a “spiritual person” actually means you’re no big deal at all – in a good and happy and humble way.

So how do you integrate awakening in the dream and aligning with the larger, expanded Self – and living in a world that perpetuates alignment with the smaller self? If you become who you really are, does that mean you can’t love sitcoms and basketball and sports cars and a tasty bottle of red wine and lip-gloss and cranking up Led Zeppelin on the stereo? Do you have to wear bland clothes and not salsa dance and speak with an affected “spiritual” voice?

Does life become heavy all the time, with you wrestling with analyzing your thoughts to the nth degree in hopes of eventually smashing them? Of course not. Ramana Maharishi suggests that you calmly observe everything that passes through your awareness and discern whether or not something is a component of the authentic Self. But by realizing that nothing outside of us is, does not mean we can’t play.

The phrase “Being in the world but not of it,” is about staying engaged, having fun, staying interconnected with humanity instead of running off to join an ashram or cult that fosters separation and elitism - all the while with an ever-present awareness that this is all an amusement park and you’re on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. You see your thoughts as waves of energy, and gradually, with calm, non-neurotic mindfulness, you don’t allow them to run the show like they’ve done forever - until they simply don’t any more, and corresponding more highly-evolved choices, actions and behaviors gradually and naturally become fully integrated in your personal operating system. You realize that nothing means anything unless you decide it does, and therefore become no longer vulnerable to either collective humanity’s dream or allowing another human being’s personal dream to influence your every move. You also become detached from your own dream – not that you don’t wish for anything to occur in either the inner or outer world – but you lose expectations and attachments about outcomes, and drop the crazy-making sense of absolutely without exception totally controlling your destiny. That is where liberation begins.

So even though all in this world is relative, it also doesn’t mean that the time you spend in it shouldn’t be authentic. Being who you are means owning your own mind, and having likes and dislikes, opinions, etc. that are your own, developed by curious investigation and reflection - not just chosen from a list of options or because you want to fit in with people who matter to you. That new pair of shoes you have your eye on that is just “totally you” – if they are a genuine extension of your personality, then in this plane, wearing them would be an expression of who you are. Just because Ramana Maharishi’s conviction that inquiry into the Self is so important that he feels “what else is there so worthy to be undertaken?” doesn’t mean the amusement park rides of this world have no value whatsoever – as long as you keep it all in perspective that all you came into this plane with is the Self, and that’s all you’ll leave here with - along with whatever the balance is on your Karma Credit Card. Whether or not you achieve mass popularity and worldly success in your area of passion, the number of “friends” on your MySpace page, how many riches you can pile up – or have none at all - coming to the place of unshakably being who you are, unmoved by trends, opinions, acquaintances lovers and family - is what will bring you a sense of inner peace.

Suzanne Matthiessen is a certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Classical Feng Shui practitioner, and writes, teaches and consults about personal energy, spiritual growth and transcending behavioral shadow issues. Her new book, Affirmative Actions: Eyes Open Meditations for Women is available on her website spiritualetiquette.com.