“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”“What you see is what you get.”

Love is in the air, not to mention in TV commercials, radio spots, newspaper ads, fashion magazine covers, candy shops, florists, fragrance counters and “chick flicks.”

The way the search for someone who will fall in love with us is conducted in our culture is frequently a game of hide and seek: We hide the parts of ourselves that we find unattractive, weak or likely to get us overlooked by our target population. We seek someone who will sweep us off our feet; take our breath away; make time stand still; cherish and adore us.

We hope that when we are found by the objects of our yearning they will see past our appealing facade to the treasures within or, conversely, bring out the best in us, or find wonderful traits and talents we didn’t know we had. We seek to find out what the objects of our interest are hiding from us – for better or worse.

As a life coach asked to work with clients dissatisfied with the patterns of disappointment or self-sabotage in their romantic relationships, there is one aspect of this game that is usually overlooked or unrecognized by them. It can be found by its absence.

When we begin, clients can usually narrate in richly vivid and specific details, who they are seeking to fall in love with. These portraits are as varied as their originators. When they are satisfied that they have rendered their sweethearts-to-be sufficient to provide my imagination with a passable facsimile they sit back and wait.

I want to make sure they have a chance to notice any gaps in the picture. Rarely does this pause turn their attention where I am drawing a blank; so I ask them:
“I can see your dream lover/soul mate/ future spouse very clearly; but I’m not clearly seeing the you that they will be attracted to and fall in love with. Can you draw me as compelling a portrait of the you that they find loveable? Who is that person? How close to that image are you already behaving? Where are you likely to meet one another? Are you already living as if you are that person?”

The fact that clients are working with me on relationship patterns accounts for the consistent response: “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about that. Once I find him/her, I won’t be depressed/ angry/ frustrated/ bored/ broke/eating for comfort/ stuck at home…”

I then ask if Prince Charming or Princess Perfection is likely to be attracted to the current version of themselves – the person who is morose, lethargic, overweight, broke and isolated from life.

That’s when we begin to explore “the real me.” We begin to measure the gap between persona and physique; between having a body and being a body.

I lived most of my life, up until February, 2003, living as if the real me was my personality, spirit/ soul, intellect that was sentenced to home arrest inside my body. Psychotherapy helped me understand that my obesity was serving as an obstacle course, or test, designed to screen out those who were unwilling to see past what my body looked like to “the real me.” When I dieted down to a reasonably attractive size, I became anxious that I would attract those who were “only” interested in my body and not me. The Sixties expression, “What you see is what you get,” was my challenge to see if someone was willing to get past my cover (facade) and see the real me. I was looking for a Prince Charming who wouldn’t judge my book by its cover.

What I have learned in these last five years is that when a book is created with 100% integrity, its cover is an accurate expression and an artistic expression of its text!

I also learned that “what you see is what you get” is literally factual. When I expressed my self-loathing and anxiety by eating my way into a 300-pound body, I was lying to myself first and then demanding that others deny the evidence of their eyes as well. I am not some discarnate entity that has chosen to take a generic body off the incarnational rack. Yet that was how I regarded my physical self.

In the last five years, I’ve come to realize that my ”spice” (husband) of almost 39 years has always loved the real me because however I was behaving - what ever shape my body was in at any given moment - was a revelation of how I was feeling about myself. So the question that is most important as Valentine’s Day approaches is, “Do you love the real me?” And the second is like unto it: “Who is the real me?”

If I were your coach, I would invite you to take heart, a deep breath and resolve to ask the one person indispensable to your own happiness. The bathroom mirror will do fine.

To learn more about Lauralyn Bellamy, her coaching program, her art workshops, spiritual development coaching, and more! Visit: www.embodysuccess.spaces.live.com www.yourchaplain.com/yourspirituality.htm www.yourchaplain.com/workshops.htm
& www.lbellamy.dreamcoach.com