Dr. Sommers’ self-honesty about what she thought being a “nice” person was all about underscores my long-standing issue with another buzz-phrase that has been popular for some time – “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” Women in particular are told to “make nice” and “pick their battles” if they want “peace” in any type of relationship, often to the point of becoming submissive, disempowered, compromising their integrity, and surrendering their authentic higher self for love and approval by some person or entity they deemed important enough to do so for. But as Dr. Sommers’ concedes within her own experience and that of her clients, many of us can only live the self-told lies of in-authenticity for so long, unless we constantly comfortably numb ourselves with all sorts of addictive behaviors in compensation for not being honest and true to ourselves.

So, you may then ask, what if what we think is our true self is actually a mosaic of un-transcended spiritually self-destructive shadow behaviors we allow ourselves to indulge in with the delusional notion that we are being authentic by engaging in them? Another very good question, but recognizing that possibility even exists is a doorway to greater awakening to your authentic higher self. Since I am operating with the hope that if you are reading this column you wish to put energy into your authentic higher self, you will be radically self-honest enough to know that indulging your lower egoic tendencies – as “authentic” to your true self as you may feel they are – is like a dog chasing its tail. The ego can be so darned clever, but if you follow the ego’s dictates, you will wind up spinning ‘round and ‘round and not getting anywhere in terms of your spiritual/personal growth. The fact is, if you get real about all the negative-energy behaviors you justify and/or excuse (often with very good-sounding reasons), you will know that none of them will ever lead you to living your authentic higher self. It’s very honorable (and important) to admit it if you are sometimes a bitch, a jerk, selfish, narcissistic, exploitive, manipulative, divisive, passive/aggressive, faux “love and light” - or any of the plethora of lower-self-descriptions you feel you authentically identify with right now, but it’s critical to connect the dots and also comprehend that none of these lower self behavioral paths will ever lead you toward actualizing your authentic higher self, unless and until you careen into a major personal crisis that forces you to change course. If you’ve managed to fool yourself into thinking you’re simply being true to yourself no matter how harmful the impact you may have upon others (and ultimately yourself) – it’s ultimately a pathway to further enslavement to the ego’s compulsions and desires and cementing your identity with your authentic, but inarguably lower self.

The deeper the old behavioral pattern groves, the more challenging it is to create new, more evolved ones – that’s a huge part of why we fear change, even if it’s for the better. Actualizing higher-self authenticity is not about suppressing those old habitual behavioral patterns; it’s about transcendence and consciously choosing to reframe how we approach Life and run with all its many opportunities for growth – or choose to stagnate in our old status quo, often for lifetimes. In the case of Dr. Sommers’ faux-appearance of niceness, she learned to make the authentic higher-self aligned behavioral choice, concluding (and subsequently teaching her clients) that “… openness and honesty delivered with respect and kindness is the healthy alternative to oppressive, silencing niceness.”

One of the easiest ways to approach higher-self authenticity on a personal growth level is to employ honest, non-defensive self-inquiry about the nature of all your relationships (familial, romantic, work, etc.), and how you show up with each one. The initial questions to ask within are if you are gaining or losing energy in each one, and what dynamics are at play. Are you accountable for your side of the equation? Do you come from a dysfunctional family or Life situation that has imprinted you with guilt, shame or fear? Are your social skills not up to par for dealing with current societal situations? For some people, this process will necessitate assistance from a skilled professional therapist, counselor or coach, as the reasons for certain behaviors can be deep-rooted, and the transcendence and reframing process takes time.

On a spiritual level, the question is simple: do you live with unwavering transparency, in every moment of every day, the beliefs, values and virtues you claim to ascribe to? In other words, to use yet another buzz-phrase, do you “walk your talk” 24/7/365? If you don’t, then you are not living with higher-self authenticity. As I have said in this column so many times over the years but it deserves the repetition: although we feel we can be pretty smart and pull the wool over the eyes of many kind and trusting souls, we never “get away” with anything on the spiritual level. There are no insignificant thoughts, choices, actions or behaviors that bear no karmic impact, and even just the notion we can maybe pull a fast one creates repercussions so detrimental to us spiritually we can’t even fathom the depth of the de-evolutionary effects upon our soul.

As it is now a new calendar year, I would like to encourage you to make a commitment to live with as much higher-self authenticity you can muster from hereon out. Not because you want or expect it to get you anywhere, but because in this time of great need, it’s a gift of humble, genuine service you can give to all whose paths cross yours. There is no resolution more important than doing what we can for the benefit of collective humanity, including doing our inner work to attain the highest states of authenticity possible.

Suzanne Matthiessen is a certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Classical Feng Shui practitioner, and writes, teaches and consults about personal energy, spiritual growth and transcending behavioral shadow issues. Her new book, Affirmative Actions: Eyes Open Meditations for Women is available on her website spiritualetiquette.com.