There are a very very few humans who can read cat’s thoughts. In spite of possibly being thought of as a cat traitor, I, Herb the cat am going to risk offending my fellow cats by divulging our secret thoughts. Not all of them, heaven forbid, just the ones about humans. First of all, all humans actually believe that they are the superior species. Our secret thought is to keep them delusional so that they will think that they have to feed us and look after us continually. Quite frankly, I think that there is nothing like a fresh box of litter, fresh food and fresh spring water. We must keep all humans delusional. Humans need a cat to look up to. They are animals that run in packs and just need a leader. We won’t run in their pack because we don’t do that, but we will hang around for them to look up to so they think we are their leader. We wish some of the humans would join Cat Addicts Anonymous. You continue to fill your house with cat after cat after cat. It becomes difficult to control you when there are so many of you trying to follow 30 or 40 of us. It makes you run around in circles trying to pet all of us and the litter box is never properly cleaned out. My advice to you cats caught in a situation like that is to find another family of humans to adopt. Yes, desert them and volunteer to lead another clan. Use your get out of jail free card, sneak out and go anywhere. My advice to you humans who have the 30 or 40 cats is to admit that you are a collector and get professional help.

Too much of a good thing can ruin the good thing. Measure your house and you can have one cat plus one additional cat for every one thousand square feet of living space. You must have at least two because every territory needs at least one vice president and one president. We will lead you, but will not put up with you bringing in the whole congress. That’s not how we cats work. My next secret I will divulge at the risk of being called a racist. Be cautious about humans who keep dogs. Humans look up to cats, dogs look up to humans and cats look down on everyone. After all, we are the leader. We would not be racist if dogs did not look up to humans. That alone makes them inferior. However, there are some dogs that are nice and gentle, but it’s because most of them have had cat claws sunken into their nose at one time or another. As a last resort, when they are asleep, take the woman’s fingernail file and file mostly through the roll up leash so when they get out on their leash, it will break and they will run away. Ever see a cat on a leash? Of course not! We’re not that stupid! Shhhhhhhhhhh, don’t tell anyone our secrets.

Herb the cat is a freelance writer for Oracle 20-20 magazine and is an expert on everything. If he’s good another month he will get his email address back and you can email him directly.