The Key to Overcoming Self-Sabotage! Part 2
By Lauralyn Bellamy, MA, MDIV, Certified Dreamcoach®
WARNING: Reading the following information
will not empower you to successfully overcome your patterns of self-sabotage.
It will give you information that may lead to greater self-awareness
and, yes, some significant insights into yourself. However, it is
the nature of self-sabotage to survive in its host; it will mutate
beyond your ability to single handedly eradicate it. Because it is
a product of your personality, it has the advantage of knowing your
limitations and weak spots, giving it the ability to anticipate your
efforts to destroy it and mask itself, go underground, lie dormant,
or aggressively attack you for daring to threaten its existence.
The information you are about to read can only be successfully applied
with the assistance of a coach or counselor trained to equip and
support you in this life-changing quest.
In Part 1, the nature of self-sabotage was explored. Such behavior
is a well-intentioned, but misguided, effort to reduce intolerable
levels of anxiety by inducing a temporary experience of relief. The
anxiety is triggered when the personality senses or realizes that
the goal it chose in theory and is now approaching in reality remains
literally unbelievable. That which the personality identifies as
unbelievable is then linked to the general category of what is Unknown,
that realm of experience for which your personality has insufficient
familiarity. The personality has been programmed to insure its survival
and entering the Unknown is identified as a direct threat to its
survival.
One’s personality is now caught in a dilemma: it recognizes
that while the goal may be worthwhile, the risk of entering the Unknown
is unacceptable. Anxiety is the energetic reaction to this perception.
When the level of anxiety reaches intolerable levels, the personality
employs behavioral responses that comfort by numbing oneself with
food, alcohol, drugs, TV, sex, and/or shopping, and aborts the mission,
restoring the unhappy realm of the Familiar.
So it is not enough to understand what you are doing to sabotage
your diet, your career, your romantic relationship; nor is it enough
to read up on, or attend workshops about, how to lose weight, succeed
in business or find a spouse by the end of the year.
One has to be willing to imagine the Future, the goals one thinks
or believes will be more rewarding than the present situation. The
question arises: how can one successfully transform one’s perception
of the Future from a condition of unknowablility to a condition of
intimate and pleasurable familiarity?
For example, when I was overweight, then obese, and (finally) morbidly
obese, I went on a series of diets and lost significant amounts of
weight on each. My method was to throw myself into the mechanics
and rituals of dieting with such zeal that The Diet became my whole
life. I was an expert dieter. I could lose weight on any diet I embraced.
But it was that very condition of total concentration on the dieting
that allowed my personality to avoid looking beyond the immediately
familiar requirements of counting calories or carbs or fats, to consider
what my life would be like when I was a healthy weight. I continued
to live “from the neck up,” largely unconscious of the
body I was in or noticing how it was changing. I stared at my scale
every morning, but not the body it was weighing.
At some point in every diet, as I approached a normal body image, I’d catch
sight of myself in a storefront window or department store mirror and experience
a sense of complete disassociation: “Who is that woman? Ohmygod, it’s
me!” Energetically, it was a moment of excitement mixed with fear; and
it was not long before I’d begin the little acts of defiance that ultimately
would lead me to abandon the diet in shame, anger and despair.
Through coaching, including working with a fitness trainer at the
LA Fitness Center in my neighborhood – a place with floor-to
ceiling mirrors on every available wall, I was able to identify what
needed to happen to overcome my pattern of yo-yo dieting: I had to
spend significant time and imagination constructing a believable
and pleasurable Future self and lifestyle that I could live in every
day, through the power of my imagination and my senses. Making the
unknown known and the unfamiliar familiar is half the battle in reducing
the level of anxiety that triggers self-sabotage.
What’s the other half of the battle? Turning the daydreams
into behavior and actions that could bring the vision of my future
into my present. This is where one needs the assistance and intuition
of another person. Remember, it is the nature of a defense mechanism
to survive attempts to dismantle it; as it is created by one’s
personality, it will by nature always mutate just beyond one’s
efforts to shut it down. Think of the computer program known as H.A.L.
responsible for maintaining the viability of a spaceship on a mission
to Mars in Stanley Kubrick’s movie, “2001: A Space Odyssey.” “Hal” perceived
the astronauts on board as a threat to the mission’s survival
and began terminating them as they hibernated during the long journey.
Eventually, 2 are left who take on the task of switching off Hal,
assuming control of the spaceship and their lives.
Knowing the strategy is not the same thing as taking actions that
accomplish the objective. Each person must create personal practices
that stimulate their ability to imagine their future and opportunities
to experience it in their present. Whether shifting into a healthy
relationship with food and living in a healthy, strong and attractive
body; embracing the desire to enjoy one’s ideal vocation while
being financially rewarded; or dedicating oneself to the quest for
life-affirming intimacy in personal relationships – the process
remains the same, but the exercises and activities will change to
reflect the specific dreams of each person.
For example, because I had a hard time seeing myself, I asked my
spouse, friends and co-workers to take snapshots of me on a weekly
basis. I got into the habit of looking at the photos and watching
myself in the mirror lifting weights. Eventually I relaxed around
mirrors and cameras. Every day I’d set aside time to dream
about what living in a strong, healthy body would be like: how I’d
dress, what kinds of outdoor activities I’d enjoy, the travel
adventures I would have. I never felt the anxiety that used to plague
my dieting! Thus, the sabotage didn’t get triggered.
I went from a size 3X to a size 12 the first year, a size 10 the
second year, and celebrated the 3rd anniversary of my personal trainer
contract in March and my gastric bypass surgery on Valentine’s
Day in a size 8. I continue to dream about my unfolding future every
day. I’m excited about the life I’m living and the work
I’m doing.
I also know that choosing to live fearlessly and identify more dreams
I want to live out in my life will trigger the sabotage mechanism
until the dream project becomes believable and familiar. I am prepared
to work with coaches and supportive friends and family members to
experience the new unknowns and unfamiliars as they present themselves.
Life has become a quest in which I am developing into the hero in
my life story! And, like all heroes, I am blessed to enjoy the company
of those sent to be my teachers and friends.
As a life coach, I have the pleasure of teaching my clients how they,
too, can embody success! It is a privilege to guide them through
the process of overcoming their self-sabotage to live heroic lives.
Now I’ve given you the key to overcoming self-sabotage. You
know which doors hold you prisoner! Will use the key to liberate
yourself? Can you do it alone?
This
material is excerpted from Rev. Bellamy’s forthcoming book:
Embody Success!® Coaching to Overcome Self-Sabotage. She may
be contacted at 404-394-3900 or
surf www.lbellamy.dreamcoach.com
This
material is excerpted from Rev. Bellamy’s forthcoming book: 
