On the Winter Solstice of 2005, I started
a “blog” that was established as a companion to both
this column and my website. (For those who don’t know what
a blog is, it is short for “web log,” and is essentially
an online journal or platform for people to write about personal
topics of interest). The name of my blog is “Spiritual Etiquette
in the World: The Good The Bad, and The Clueless.”
A friend asked me if she thought my readers would take offense to
the word “clueless”—that maybe they’d find
it “judgmental.” I responded that: a) We all are clueless
at times (hence my inclusion of a “wink” emoticon in
the blog’s title) and if we can’t see the “duh
factor” that crops up in our own humanness then we really need
to get over ourselves, and b) None of what I write about is ever
intended to be a personal slam, it’s pointing out that certain
behaviors are spiritually self-destructive, and I simply will not
enable them in fear that someone’s ego is going to react defensively.
In fact, I kind of enjoy pushing the ego buttons, not in some sadistic
way, but because it’s tiresome to tiptoe around all the time,
afraid to not acknowledge when there’s naked emperors or elephants
in the room in an attempt to be “spiritually correct.”
Spiritual etiquette is NOT about pretending something isn’t
there when it is, it’s about acknowledging reality with grace,
compassion, empathy, and when appropriate, a sense of humor—most
especially when it comes to our own selves. I truly believe that
one of the most loving things we can do for a spiritual brother or
sister is to speak up in a non-attacking manner when their choices,
actions and behaviors are in direct opposition to their self-proclaimed
identity as a “spiritual” person. Perhaps some will think
I am being hard on my spiritual companions and that may be so. But
these dark times call upon all of us to transcend our own inner shadows
in order to be an impeccable warrior of light. Each of us is being
asked to lead by example in how we show up in the world for the collective
benefit of humankind, and the sort of “tough love” that
I and other teachers advocate is an essential kick in the hind end
if we are to actualize radical inner shifts now. We all mess up at
times, but if no one is there acting as a mirror, we may never get
a clue about our blind spots. Holding one another accountable does
not mean we should think our job is to self-righteously “police
the universe.”
Complacency, laziness and defensive tantrums are a waste of energy
in respect to our growth spiritually, and are not egoic luxuries
we can afford to indulge in. To be the change we wish to see in the
world, the revolution has to start within.
Although most of us make errors from time to time that we will hopefully
quickly recognize and do our best to correct, for some, it is chronically
blind behavior. And those folks are the ones who react most defensively
when someone decides to stop walking on eggshells and “outs” them.
The worst of the lot shoot the messenger with mind-messing spiritual-sounding
jargon, employed as a weapon intended to shut them up and make
THEM into the “bad guy.”
This is perhaps one of the most insidiously abusive things we can
do to one another. And not owning the impact of our own behavior
is one of the most destructive things we can do to our own soul.
Indulging our personal samskaras (unproductive stuck behavioral grooves
that repeat endlessly) does not serve anyone.
You probably know someone who is clueless about his or her chronic
cluelessness. After all, chronically clueless behavior is performed
by those who are often self-involved to the degree that they can’t
see the selfishness of their actions. Generally they are the classic “me!me!me!” types: “the
world revolves around me, my space, my drama, my appearance of holiness,
my pain, my experience.” You know, the ones who rattle on and
barely allow you to speak. The ones who are reading this column right
now and are thinking I’m talking about someone else—surely
not about them!
I’ll offer some random examples that pop into my head. For
example, I’m talking about people who are always late, whether
it is for a meeting or a deadline and don’t realize they are
being disrespectful of the people they are constantly making wait
for them. As if that other person’s life and time isn’t
as important as theirs. The excuse of being a “space cadet” doesn’t
cut it either. Of a similar ilk are those who are just too busy to
return phone calls or emails that request a response.
Or the people who claim they’ve put their lives in the hands
of God, and pray fervently for “signs” of what they should
do in any given situation—but then deny signs as large as an
oncoming Mack truck because it isn’t the sign they want to
be given.
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