Sex Wisdom of the Past
by Marnia Robinson with Gary Wilson
In “Outsmarting Biology in the
Bedroom,” [last month, read it here]
we explained that humans, like all mammals, are programmed to fall
in love with great passion, bond long enough to reproduce, and then,
sadly, to move on to new partners (or add partners) and repeat the
pattern. This results in maximum genetic diversity in our offspring.
It makes us very “successful” from
an evolutionary point of view…and very miserable from a personal
one. We have a built-in program for emotional separation from our
mates.
In recent years, neurochemical research has revealed how intense
passion affects the brain. Not unlike using recreational drugs, it
over-stimulates the reward center of the brain, throwing us onto
a roller coaster of highs…followed by lows. As we project
those lows onto our intimate partners, we see them differently. They
may seem needy, distant, or just plain less attractive. Unfortunately,
more hot sex only intensifies the cycle.
Earlier observers grasped this weak point in our design, as well
as the potential gains from overcoming it with gentle, affectionate
sex not oriented toward orgasm. For example, Lao Tzu taught in the
Hua Hu Ching, that ordinary sexual intercourse is a “great
backward leap” because lovers place all their emphasis upon
the sexual organs. Whatever physical energy they accumulate is summarily
discharged (instead of benefiting them). He also noted that regular
sex “dissipates and disorders the subtle energies” —foreshadowing
by 2300 years the neurochemical findings outlined in our earlier
article.
The solution? Make leisurely love and avoid orgasm. The result of
this practice, he states, is “improved health, harmonized emotions,
the cessation of cravings and impulses, and, at the highest level,
the transcendent integration of the entire energy body.” While
my husband and I can’t yet claim transcendence, we have experienced
all of the other benefits he lists.
John Humphrey Noyes, an American social pioneer of the mid-19th century,
reached the same conclusions independently of Lao Tzu. In Male Continence
he wrote that if ordinary sexual intercourse “begins in spirit
it soon ends in flesh and feelings of exhaustion.” This accounts
for the process of ‘cooling off’ which takes place between
lovers after marriage and often ends in indifference and disgust.
In contrast with all this, lovers who use their sexual organs simply
as the servants of their spiritual natures, abstaining from the propagative
act except when procreation is intended, may enjoy the highest bliss
of sexual fellowship for any length of time, without satiety or exhaustion;
and thus marriage life may become permanently sweeter than courtship
or even the honeymoon.
Alice Bunker Stockham, MD (Karezza: Ethics of Marriage, 1902) and J. William
Lloyd (The Karezza Method, 1931) expanded on Noyes’ observations, clarifying
that women, too, benefit by avoiding orgasm. Says Lloyd, “After her orgasm
the woman is less magnetic, enthused and delightful as a partner …and
quite often soon becomes indifferent, depressed or irritable.”
Ancient texts even record that Jesus may have taught this wisdom—and its
hidden spiritual potential. For example, The Gospel of Philip, one of the Gnostic
gospels discovered in Upper Egypt about 60 years ago, says:
In this world the union is man and woman, the place of the power and the weakness.
All will be clothed in light when they enter into the mystery of the sacred embrace. … [The
Sacrament of the Bridal Chamber,] the embrace that incarnates the hidden union...
is not only a reality of the flesh, for there is silence in this embrace. It
does not arise from impulse or desire; it is an act of will.
The Exegesis on the Soul, from the same Nag Hammadi scrolls, says:
Since that marriage [the Sacrament of the Bridal Chamber] is not like the carnal
marriage, those who are to have intercourse with one another will be satisfied
with that intercourse. And as if it were a burden they leave behind them the
annoyance of physical desire and they do not separate from one another. Applying the ideas
Intrigued by such wisdom from the past, my husband and I decided to experiment.
The benefits have been subtle, but powerful. No more yeast or urinary tract infections
for me; an end to a long-term addiction and chronic depression for him. Best
of all, we have been together for four years and still find each other adorable.
Although we are as consistent as possible with this practice, there have been
a few accidental slips. The emotional fallout has convinced us that we would
certainly not be together had we opted for a steady diet of conventional sex.
Here’s what we did to make the transition:
• We slept together every night, and the first two weeks we did not make
love. (To strengthen our resolve, we actually kept our underwear and even a tee
shirt on.) Each evening we engaged in an affectionate exchange of loving attention.
For example, we took turns giving each other foot massages, meditated together,
and even danced together. This two-week period allowed us both to return to equilibrium
before moving on to intercourse.
My husband was somewhat hyper for the first two nights of this program. We didn’t
get a lot of sleep, but we did a lot of enjoyable giggling. By about the third
night he began to feel calmer. He said kissing began to feel wonderful...like
his first kisses as a teenager. Increased satisfaction like this made it surprisingly
bearable to pass up orgasm.
• When we did add intercourse—the third week—we
made love on a schedule, skipping at least one or two days in between
encounters. Every night, we also continued some form of generous,
non-foreplay exchange. The non-intercourse nights turned out to be
vital to sticking with this way of making love. They serve to remind
us (and our primitive brains) what a non-goal oriented exchange of
affection feels like, and how satisfying that, too, can be.
• Now that we are “with the program,” we continue
to make love on a schedule. We also make it a point to exchange lots
of affection on non-intercourse nights. This helps us to keep our
lovemaking less driven.
When we moved away from this routine, we noticed that biology tended
to take over, heating us up and leaving us frustrated. In short,
we were once again producing too much dopamine—and too little
oxytocin to soothe the attendant cravings. Dopamine is the “gambling” neurochemical,
so spontaneous sex tends to increase levels of dopamine. By contrast,
knowing when you’ll make love is like knowing when you’ll
have a good meal; it makes it easier to wait with delicious anticipation,
but without frustration or the sense that you must grab at every
opportunity.
• Perhaps the most important contribution to our consistency
was a strong motivation to change. We were thoroughly tired of the
carousel of relationship highs and lows and longed for harmonious
intimacy.
Try something old
Today’s sex therapists help lovers have ordinary sex, with
an emphasis on foreplay and orgasm. Their training ensures that they
disregard, or modify, the deep-rooted wisdom outlined above to conform
to norms they have defined. However, the rapid deterioration of intimate
relationships suggests that we might be wise to look beyond what
feels good (briefly) to our brain’s reward center, and consider
its longer-term effect on our unions.
The reward center of the brain evolved many millions of years ago.
It was designed to drive our ancestors to grab high calorie foods,
procreation opportunities, additional mates, and short-term gains
in environments where such options were often scarce. This primitive
center of the brain is not well equipped for the many dopamine-exciting
enticements of modern life: abundant fast food, pornography, lots
of potential mates, credit cards, and so forth. Just as we must choose
our diets with an eye to balance despite the ready availability of
our favorite desserts, we benefit from choosing balance in our love
lives.
Otherwise, we become unwitting puppets of the powerful evolutionary
program of the primitive brain. Its loud signals mislead us. Our
wellbeing does not lie in more thrills and partners. This is because
the sexual cycle is not simply foreplay and orgasm. The underlying
program actually drives us toward foreplay, reckless procreation,
neurochemical hangover, emotional separation—and frequently
a determination to seek “happiness” in the form of a
new neurochemical joyride (novel partner).
Fortunately, as others have discovered through the ages, we can learn
to sustain monogamy from within. In the words of J. William Lloyd,
tender lovemaking without orgasm, “makes marriage more delicious
than courtship, more romantic than wooing, and maintains an endless,
satisfying honeymoon.”
Sex is very close to soul. It only satisfies when it unites souls,
not merely copulates bodies for a thrill. J. William Lloyd
A word of warning: your position in the mating cycle will determine
your perception of this material. If you are in the honeymoon period
(the first year or two) of a marriage, you may believe that you are
invulnerable to relationship deterioration and that Mother Nature
designed your sex life perfectly. If you are going through the deterioration/separation
phase, you will still believe that the way you make love has nothing
to do with your relationship problems, and (most likely) that your
mate is the cause of your distress. Only if you are currently in
between relationships are you positioned to see this evolutionary
pattern at work in your past love life. However, by the time your
next partner appears, you will likely forget what you learn here
and be swept away by passion (thanks to your mating neurochemistry).
Perhaps you begin to see how humanity has hidden this wisdom from
itself for so long…
Marina Robinson and her husband Gary Wilson
teach this material at workshops in the States, Canada and Australia,
and have also written a book entitled Peace Between the Sheets. Their
work has been published in various print and online magazines, here
and in Australia.
Contact them at 541-488-3830
or surf: www.reuniting.info
