The Key to Overcoming Self-Sabotage! Part 1
By Lauralyn Bellamy, MA, MDIV, Certified Dreamcoach®
Welcome to the Self-Sabotage Zone, that
shadowy repository of failed jobs, relationships, diets, resolutions,
projects and dreams. We’ve all made deposits there. We’ve
spent significant money, time and energy trying different techniques,
strategies, therapists, counselors and/or trainers to achieve what
we say we want for ourselves. The tons of how-to books we’ve
bought, the CD programs we’ve listened to, the workshops and
seminars we’ve attended are evidence of our good intentions.
Our self-improvement regimens seem to work - for a while, and then:
we start to undermine, forget, neglect and (ultimately) just give
up. Worse, part of us observes the beginning-of-the-end pattern of
our destructive behavior as if behind a thick plate glass observation
window. We shout exhortations, warnings, threats, pleading not to
do this again! It’s as if the self we’re observing is
in a trance or unable to hear the observer.
At this point, many of us get distracted and seduced by the power
of, “Why?” We live in a culture that has absorbed the
psychoanalytical premise that exploring why one behaves destructively
will lead to powerful insights into one’s personality that
will trigger an emotional catharsis (an emptying out, a cleansing)
that will lead to the learning of healthy behavior. So, like Alice
catching sight of the White Rabbit and chasing it down the rabbit
hole, we jump up and chase after the answers to “Why?!”
Frequently, the pursuit of answers to “Why?” does lead
to the discovery of insights that are truly illuminative of the reason
one behaves a certain way. When that “Ah-HAH!” moment
happens, it often does produce catharsis - the kind of weeping that
seems to empty us out, wash us clean and leave us ready for a deep
restful nap.
BUT, it does not follow as night follows day that this powerful insight
and emotional catharsis lead to alternative behavior that overcomes
the problems we’ve been attempting to solve.
WHY?
Gotcha! OK, I’m going to tell you the answer to, “Why?” Then,
I’m going to describe an alternative strategy that will successfully
dismantle your self-sabotage machinery.
WARNING: Reading the following information will not empower you to
successfully overcome your patterns of self-sabotage. It will give
you information that may lead to greater self-awareness and, yes,
some significant insights into yourself. However, it is the nature
of self-sabotage to survive in its host; it will mutate beyond your
ability to single handedly eradicate it. Because it is a product
of your personality, it has the advantage of knowing your limitations
and weak spots, giving it the ability to anticipate your efforts
to destroy it and mask itself, go underground, lie dormant, or aggressively
attack you for daring to threaten its existence. The information
you are about to read can only be successfully applied with the assistance
of a coach or counselor trained to equip and support you in this
life-changing quest.
WHY?
First, because the goal you think you want to achieve is not real
to you. It lives in the realm of Ideals. Ideals are abstract concepts.
They make useful templates against which you can design and measure
what you actually use in your life; but no sane person actually
lives in the realm of ideals. The “real” world is your
best translation of your ideals at any given moment of your life.
Secondly, human beings are programmed to regard the Unknown as a
place of danger, risk, and threat to survival. The closer you come
to the Unknown, the Wilderness, the Abyss, the Void, the greater
your anxiety becomes until it reaches an intolerable intensity and
you retreat to the Familiar. No matter how unhappy or painful your
familiar behaviors, relationships and thoughts are, you experience
relief in getting away from the unknown. You have become addicted
to the need for relief from anxiety. What you call “bad habits” are
your mechanisms for numbing your anxiety and, in doing so, experiencing
moments of relief.
Thirdly, every campaign you launch to achieve your stated goal enchants
you. You enter the world of HOW-TO and experience the pleasure of
being swept up into a new life of strategies, schedules, techniques,
equipment, and people to transport you to your goal. You are so enthusiastic
in mastering How-To that you don’t allow your attention to
focus on what will happen when you reach your destination. Your goal
remains hidden in the Unknown Wilderness of your future.
Fourth, the closer you get to reaching your goal the more intense
your anxiety becomes. You only know how to make the journey. You
have not prepared yourself to live in the world of your destination.
It’s as though you boarded a train that will take you to the
Forbidden City, a place you’ve heard wonderful things about.
After a while, you’ve begun to worry about the wisdom of going
to any place called “Forbidden.” You don’t know
what to do, but if you don’t do something soon, you’ll
be there and it will be too late!
Fifth, before you reach your destination, you get yourself off that
train! You begin the journey back to the familiar place you started
out, except you’re battered, bruised, and carrying heavier
baggage. Self-sabotage is a misguided effort to save your life from
the threat of the Unknown.
In Part 2, I will give you the how-to information for replacing self-sabotage
with success! More importantly, I will guide you to the resources
that will equip you to accomplish this heroic task!
This
material is excerpted from Rev. Bellamy’s forthcoming book: Embody Success!® Coaching to Overcome Self-Sabotage. She may
be contacted at 404-394-3900 or
surf www.lbellamy.dreamcoach.com
This
material is excerpted from Rev. Bellamy’s forthcoming book: 
