Outsmarting Biology in the Bedroom
by Marnia Robinson with Gary Wilson
Have you ever noticed that intimate relationships seem to be jinxed? You marry someone wonderful, whom you’re certain you can love forever. Yet within a year or two a strange tension has set in, and one or both of you are sure that you’ve chosen the wrong person or need “space” in the relationship. You may stay married or you may divorce and begin the dance anew; the unwelcome pattern, however, remains.
The media assures us that we could correct the problem with better communication skills, regular counseling, or altered childhoods when, in fact, we need to learn to make love differently. The source of our recurring malaise is an unconscious script lurking in the limbic system—a primitive part of every mammalian brain. Here we are neurochemically programmed to fall in love with intense passion, form temporary attachments, reproduce…and then fall out of love—or add lovers on the side.
Why has evolution shaped us to make ourselves miserable? It hasn’t—at least not directly. It has, however, molded us to increase the genetic variety of our offspring…by changing partners. Over the millennia of climactic changes and new strains of microorganisms, this subtle program significantly increases the chances that genes survive their journey through countless generations. So successful is it (in evolution’s eyes), that virtually no animals are monogamous. DNA tests reveal that even socially monogamous prairie voles and swans occasionally fool around when no one’s looking.
The pattern of intense romantic attraction, brief affairs, and heartache from relationship turnover has also been observed in hunter-gatherer societies believed to be the best representatives of our ancestors, such as the Kung of the Kalahari and the Mehinaku of South America. Men spread more genes by being promiscuous; women got more goodies for offspring who had “many” fathers. Now that divorce is easier and carries less social stigma, our innate evolutionary program is rapidly reasserting itself.
Beyond Biology
Yet, our biological programming need not rule us, and it would be better for our individual wellbeing if it did not. Studies show that married people live longer with fewer addictions and lower rates of illness than singles. They tend to be better off financially. Stable families also benefit kids. (The pattern of churning relationships probably worked little hardship on children for the millennia that we lived in tribes, but kids in today’s insular families are quite vulnerable when parental bonds disintegrate.)
Material welfare isn’t the only issue. Many of us have a yen to go beyond the script of our selfish genes and realize our full potential. It’s an intrinsic desire for more in our lives than just propagation—or even greater prosperity, health, and children’s welfare. Call it a spiritual yearning…a fundamental knowing that sexual relationships offer untapped potential. As Taoist master Lao Tzu put it over 2300 years ago, we long for “the opportunity for man and woman to lift each other into the realm of bliss and wholeness.”
Buried in the esoterica of diverse cultures lies a way to outsmart biology—using sexual relationships. Now research on the neurochemistry of sex is pointing to the validity of this forgotten wisdom. In this article we’ll focus on that research. In a future article we’ll look at the recommendations of the sex advisors of the past and consider a formula for experimenting with making love differently.
What, no jollies?
The key concept of the sexual sages is this: the many benefits of sex come from regular, affectionate intercourse, while the hidden risks stem from orgasm. Observing post-orgasmic fatigue and increased cravings following sex, the Taoists and Hindu/Tibetan tantra practitioners logically concluded that semen loss was the culprit behind feelings of depletion/deprivation. Some therefore concluded that orgasm posed no problem for women, but that men had much to gain from controlled intercourse. Yet both traditions also retain whispers of the spiritual benefits to women from avoiding orgasm.
However logical it seems, modern neuroscience reveals that the semen-loss theory is flawed. Feelings of depletion, deprivation, irritability, and disharmony during the days after a passionate encounter are not due to semen loss. They stem from perfectly natural neurochemical changes in the brain, which accompany fertilization-driven sex. The fallout is not confined to the “roll over and snore” phenomenon. It can appear off and on for days, or even two weeks—and it can make women over-reactive, needy, and just plain hard to live with, too. Because the link between cause and effect is subtle and delayed, we don’t make the connection.
Nor, strictly speaking, is orgasm the trigger. The trigger is a surge (or surges) of dopamine. This powerful neurochemical, which drives the reward center of the brain, is the “foot on the gas” of our sex drive. It also impels all addictions. In the case of sex, high dopamine equates with intense, hungry arousal. It compels us to engage in fertilization behavior whatever the risks. This is not to say that dopamine is bad. At moderate levels it gives us a healthy appetite for food and water and a zest for all aspects of life. Too much of it, however, is not a good thing.
Mission accomplished at orgasm, dopamine plummets. This is our body’s way of bringing us back into balance after over-stimulation. If dopamine stayed too high all the time, it could make us crazy; high levels of dopamine are associated with schizophrenia, fetishes, aggression and anxiety. However, when dopamine drops too low—which it tends to do after it has been too high—it can cause obsessive-compulsive symptoms, thought disorders, and anxiety and depressive symptoms. Continue Reading ->
